Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
