dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
