Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just gift wrapped bread.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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