The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
