I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
