Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
