He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
