Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
