if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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