she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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