it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
People in love make me want to vomit
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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