Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
is wine microwaveable?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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