Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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