Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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