Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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