my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
