I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
