there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
