The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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