Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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