youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
