the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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