I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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