i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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