are you still at the devil's house?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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