he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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