i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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