i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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