I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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