After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
