Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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