I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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