Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
