He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
