Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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