hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
3pm strippers are depressing
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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