then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
