I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
