apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
