be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
