neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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