A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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