My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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