Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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