i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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