I faked an abortion last night.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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