Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
