I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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