Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
