Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
